Being part of a family means you always have a place to go during the
holidays and somebody to gossip with while you are there. It also mean, if your
family is rich, than you know you have somebody to bail you out of gambling
debts. And if your roots grow a little closer to the trailer park, like mine,
than you always have someone to bum a GPC, Basic, or if things are going real
well, a Marlboro from.
That is unless you’re an in-law. Sure you still have a place to go, but
instead of being the person everyone wants to talk to, you’re now the person
everyone talks about; after they take your last square of course.
What does any of this have to do with baseball or the Arizona Diamondbacks?
Well ask any manager and they’ll tell you a baseball team is nothing but one
big family, and our D-backs just added a new in-law, January 15. By in-law, I
don’t mean your weird uncle who always gets caught looking at your sister the
wrong way, or the freakish aunt with the mustache. I’m talking about maybe the
greatest in-law in the history of in-laws. I’m talking about the rich uncle
with season tickets and an unlimited supply of Marlboro’s, or the fun, hot
aunt who lets you raid the liquor cabinet when you come over.
I’m talking about Jennie Finch.
The all-world softball pitcher/gold medallist/uber-hottie, became Arizona’s
newest and best back, legs and face, when she said "I do" to pitching
prospect Casey Daigle.
I for one would like to do everything in my power to make sure she doesn’t
have to put up with the typical treatment afforded to in-laws because frankly,
she’s not your typical in-law. And it’s not just because she was picked as
one of the 50 most beautiful people in the world either. She also pulled an 85
rating on the AskMen.com poll.
The rest of the Diamondbacks might want to cut her some slack too because she’s
the only person anywhere near their rotation who can claim they struck out A-Rod
on three pitches. That includes Mr. Finch who went 11-11 last year, most of it
with El Paso, with a 4.59 ERA.
That point alone brings up an interesting question. Should Jennie Finch be an
Arizona in-law at all? Why can’t we just make her part of the team? Face it, a
rotation led by Vasquez, Ortiz, Webb and Finch, sounds more impressive than
blah, blah, blah and Daigle. Sure adding her to the roster would mean a couple
of changes around the Bob. Namely, a female locker room equipped with a Porky’s
like peep hole for the fellas. Also, the ground crew would have to build a new
pitcher’s mound every fifth game because Jennie’s rise ball isn’t quite as
effective from 60 feet, six inches (A standard international softball mound is
placed 43 feet away from home plate). But those are just excuses made by people
who don’t want to see women get a fair shake, stinking chauvinists. Did I
mention the uniform guy would have to make sure her shorts are extra tight so
she doesn’t chafe while sliding down the new metal pole that takes her to the
Ticket sales for her starts alone would more than pay for all of these
innovations, but who am I kidding? Jennie would never subject herself to such
treatment, at least not while she has professional softball and Playboy to fall
back on. So it looks like she, and the rest of us, will have to be happy with
her being the D-backs newest in-law for now.
I just hope the boys act like gentlemen during the holiday party and don’t
snicker behind her back while disgustingly asking, "What is she
doing?" Especially since there are more pertinent questions they should
pose like, "Why isn’t she doing me?"
Chad Jones can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.